By Janice Leber

Some people say, "Kill Your Television." While I really understand the sentiment, I continue to watch more TV than could possibly be good for me. For all its detriments, the one-eyed monster can be educational. I learned about the cosmos with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking and caught images from all over the globe, because I was watching TV.

 If it weren't for television, I would have no idea that I suffered a humiliating disability. If it weren't for television, I would still be in a dream world regarding... regarding...

 I can hardly bring myself to tell you. But here goes:

 I have toenail fungus.

 There I was, blissfully ignorant of my condition for nearly 20 years -- until a TV ad started running about the horrors of this affliction. People (mostly women) were shown hiding their toes from view and avoiding going barefoot -- until, that is, they asked their doctor about this fabulous new toenail fungus medicine. Then they were FREE, free to walk barefoot in the sand without fear once more.

 Well, Doc, I've had this weird toenail for a great many years. It's not your normal healthy toenail color, more like topaz. (Boy, that makes it sound downright classy!) I don't so much cut this toenail as sculpt it. I try to nip it down to normal toenail length and width. This is a painstaking, time-consuming process, and I don't do it often.

 When this problem first came to my attention, back in the mid 70's, I mentioned it to my boyfriend at the time. (I hadn't seen the TV ad and didn't know I was supposed to be embarassed about it.) He said, "Oh, that's nothing. I have a toenail I can only cut with wire cutters." He had no idea why toenails sometimes went bad that way, but one of his certainly had.

 (Hmmm, d'you think I caught this awful thing from him? I wonder if I could sue.. Emotional distress, you know.)

 Over the years I came to think and speak of it as The Toenail That Ate Philadelphia. I would marvel at its propensity for growth. Of all my toenails, this is the one that stuck in my mind -- something unique, almost like an appendix on the second toe of my left foot.

 I didn't hide it. When I felt like going barefoot, I went barefoot. Hey, guess what? Nobody noticed! It was not a problem.

 Betcha they notice now. I'm not the only one who watches TV. "Oh wow," I can hear some schmuck observing, "you've got that toenail fungus thing, don't you?" And then, the inevitable questions: How have I been able to endure this indignity all these years? What do people SAY? How do I have the nerve, the utter gall, to appear in public like this?

 And you gotta wonder, how many of our current "deformities" had their start in Madison Avenue hucksterism? Women in Europe don't shave their armpits, but I'll bet Lady Gillette is doing what it can to make them ashamed of it. Look at me, another victim. Thanks to these ads, I must hide my toes in shame.

 What now? What will this toenail fungus company do for us miserable Monster Toenail sufferers? Will they provide counseling? Are there support groups?

 I sure hope so. I'll need to meet new people, nice folks who won't reject me just because of my, uh, disability.

 I did talk to a doctor about that troublesome toenail once, many moons ago. He gave it a quick glance and asked excitedly if I wanted him to remove it. He looked as if he was ready to rip it out then and there. Lemme tell ya, it was scary.

 If I ever get medical insurance again, maybe I'll ask my doctor about the wonderful new exotic toenail cure. Then I can call my little friend The Toenail Formerly Known As... Well, maybe not -- only if the miracle medicine works, of course. I almost hope it doesn't.

 If you are plagued with this horrifying problem, check out http://pslgroup.com/dg/8986.htm.

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