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	MY BODY
Making Connections— Before Abortion was Legal by Mary K. Moore

Reading Phyllis Metal's description of her abortion brought up alot of feelings for me. It certainly shows how even way back then you could find help with money and the right connections. My story is somewhat different but where I could relate to Phyllis was the absolute feeling of terror upon learning that I was pregnant. . .and not married!!

I think it is hard for young women today to fully understand what that was like in the climate of those times before abortion counseling and clinics were available. It just boiled down to who you knew and how much money you had. In the late l950s I was a single mother with two small children. I was working in the catalog department of Sears Roebuck in San Luis Obispo and trying to make ends meet with limited support from my ex-husband. I became pregnant by this very "hip" man who worked in the hardware department and had dillegently pursued me for several months.

I remember my anxiety so clearly before I knew for sure. I was constantly running to the restroom whenever I felt any kind of discharge "down there" hoping against hope that it would be blood. I was way too embarressed to ask the women I worked with for help because in San Luis Obispo in the '50's you just didn't "do it" if you weren't married. And then he left town. I was too proud (too stupid?) to chase him down and ask for help yet I had no idea where to even begin looking for an abortion. I lived in terror that my parents would find out since I was so determined to show them that I could take care of myself and my kids without their help. (Divorce was also frowned on at that time and place).

And throughout it all I was consumed with the terror that I would lose my children if I didn't find help. First I tried a wild motorcycle ride through the hills in back of San Luis thinking I could just jar it loose. (Please remember this was before even abortion counseling was available) I finally confided in a girlfriend who was more worldly than I and she found some quinine pills which were supposed to work. They didn't.

I finally went to a sort of old boyfriend who was always considered to be on the wild side and he started asking around the crowds he ran with. I wish I could say that his motivation to help was an altruistic one but it later proved to be based on his own agenda. . .but that's another story and I realize in hindsight that I have always been an overly trusting sort. Anyway he finally lined up a doctor in Los Angeles that would "help me" for the right price. Getting the money was an enormous obstacle under the obvious time pressure but that was nothing compared to the experience itself. I had to make arrangements to leave my kids with a friend without telling her why. Then I took a bus to L.A. and somehow found my way to the doctor who was a man of few words.

It wasn't a back alley but it also wasn't a very warm setting. It hurt like hell and I had no medication of any kind. I think they just wanted me in and out in a hurry. I was back at the bus station ready to go home when I began hemorrhaging. I stuffed myself with kotexs and paper towels from the restroom and realized that I could not get on the bus like that. I was gushing. I finally called an old classmate from high school who was in L.A. going to medical school and even though we had not been in contact for several years he came and got me from the bus station. He was pretty shocked and I was freaked out and humiliated but he took me to his apartment and I stayed there for a couple of days. He even got me pills to help with the bleeding.

Had I not gotten those pills and a safe place to lie down I could have bled to death. It did happen to women. Of course I had to call my friend in San Luis and ask her to keep my kids so I ended up telling her, which I didn't want to do. I also ended up very anemic and weak from the experience but had to go right back to work and to taking care of my kids. Once back home it was only a matter of weeks before the "wild" friend who found me the doctor let me know what he wanted in return. I refused and he became very angry with me. In l966 when I was involved in a child custody fight over my involvement with the early civil rights movement (still in San Luis), and he testified against me as an "unfit mother", telling the court about my abortion. I guess the point of all this is that we have come a long way in our collective attitudes about, sex, abortion, divorce and other assorted '50s taboos but we must be ever vigilent about losing whatever gains we have made. In l993 having an abortion is a traumatic and unwelcome experience. In the '50's it was that and much, much more. Some women didn't survive it!!